Time's Up

So, I don’t really care no more

This ain’t really it for me so 

I have to let you know 

I have to let this go

Because time is up for this show

See its more than just physical 

Whole other levels to explore

You have to go in deep 

Get intertwined with my dreams

And be consistently on my mental.

Time after time

I’ve drawn these lines

See my emotional needs 

Will always supersede

Whatever my body craves for.

First, Second, Last.

First things first,

They're going to walk away, 

And you're gonna let em.

They're going to fail,

To understand the comparisons,

To make the connections,

And that's when you take your leave.

The second you have to change 

Who you are to fit them,

It's time to take your leave.

They have to accept
That who you are is okay
You can only change yourself
If under the influence of love

The last thing you need,

Is to have to apologize

For simply being who are you.

Being unapologetically you.

Its okay to polish your rough edges,

Its okay to note your flaws,

Its okay to try and transform.

But as you take your time 

To understand and love yourself,

You deserve to have that reciprocated

From whomever claims to accept you.

'Preciate Ya

I was watching.
How your eyes light up,
Whenever I hold back my smile.

I noticed that
There are endless kisses on my forehead
When you think I need some attention.

I was listening.
So I brought your favorite ice cream.
To cement how fond of you I am.

Subtle gestures
Just to show you,
I enjoy you.

I enjoy the time.
I enjoy the moments
And I love the way you are.

Lessons

I can't make you love me.
And I'm not going to try to.

I can't make you value me
So I'm not going to attempt to.

If you have to hurt me,
Just to discover you love me,
Lesson learned.

For you and I.

If you have to ignore me,
Just to see my worth,
Then, lesson learned.

For you and I.

I can't make you choose me.
That's backward.

I can't make you understand me.
That power rests in your hands.

I can only mirror what I want,
Mirror what I expect.
Lesson learned yet?

Because that's for you.

I can only put my trust
Into something that shows it's for me.
Lesson learned yet?

Because that's for you.

It's not easy to wear my heart on a sleeve.
It's not easy to give unconditionally.
It's hard not to be slightly vindictive

But I'm still learning,
Still learning the trades of love, commitment, & relationships.

Still learning how to let love live,
Ya know?

Perception

You don't really get it.
You pretend like you do,
But your actions show you don't.

Your views bias.
Your perceptions skewed.
So that they only benefit you.

Take a moment.
Take a step out of your own shoes
Try on those which don't belong to you.

Your thoughts clouded
Conflicting with trying to overpower another's.
Silence won't make it any better.

You don't really get it.
You act like you do.
But your words show you don't.

You did not build what's around you.
You did not make this world you live in.
None of us did.

You don't really get it.
You pretend like you do.
I can tell you don't.

But then again, that's just my perception.

Please.

It's not you, it's me.
If it don't touch my soul
I can't believe in it.

Reach into my mind,
Dive into my heart,
Get my attention.

Your influence is dying.
Your power is waning.
And your love,
It's shallow.

If its not me, then it's you.
How often should it be,
That I ask for affirmations.

Look into my eyes
Explore my thoughts
And for once,
Engage my mind.

Daddy's Little Girl

I blame my father for the way I view things. Late nights as he gave my brother advice on how to woo women, I would listen. Listen to the advice on consistency. Lessons to always say what you mean and mean what you say and add the actions to match.

So no, I'm not that woman who swoons over good morning texts. So no, I'm not that woman hanging onto your every word. So no, I don't care about being taken out to dinner. So no, I don't care if "you don't usually do this type of thing."

Since when, did a simple date mean I'm serious about you. Since when, did a nightcap mean anything more than physical attraction. Since when, did a simple text back every now and then mean consistency. Since when, do words without action and actions without words mean anything than more randomness.

I'm not impressed with simple "how's your day?" I'm not impressed with a mere phone call. I'm not impressed with your offers to "choose where to go" or "where to eat." I'm not impressed by anything that lacks meaning. 

I blame my daddy for how I handle things. I write letters, I sing love songs, and I prove the meaning of my words with every action that I complete. 

So yes, I can profess my love. So yes, I can be your rock. So yes, you can count on me. And yes, I can be yours and only yours.  

But, I won't stand for giving what I don't receive. I won't remain consistent in the name of keeping things kosher. I won't live in a fantasy world when reality shows me that its bullshit. And I won't sit idle as you figure out how to behave. 

I was taught to build men up not tear them down. I was taught that you have to stand by those you love. I was taught that sometimes people just aren't worth your time. And I was taught sometimes you're good to people that just aren't good for you. 

So if you're finding yourself, stay in the friend zone. If you can't remain consistent in and out of my presence, stay away. If your opinions are more important than hearing a different perspective, don't bother. If you cannot take the time to understand who I am and how that relates to you, don't waste your time.

I do not crave a man's attention. Its from having a man's attention that I act the way I do. Its from having a man's attention that I will not accept mediocrity. Its from having a man's attention that I know my worth.

And I can thank my father for that. 

Winter Ballin'

I may not say much but,
I peep game
I run game.
It's all pretty just.

How I see it,
Its easier to play
Than to get played.
It's cold out here
And, you can't expect anyone to keep you warm.

If they checkin' for ya
Let's see if check up on ya
Or at least play their role
It's all pretty simple.
What else is there to hope for.

No, Not Me.

You can have her.
You see, I replayed the steps I had to take to get here,
And I'm happy with where I've landed.
I can let go of what has happened.

I can imagine my world so full of love
But still accept your absence.
It's a simple answer to one question.

Have I fallen in love?
As of yet, I haven't.
And even still I bet I can't
At times I swear I won't.

Because from what I see,
You've taught me
That I need to choose me.

When the world seems to crumble
Filled with indifference and hostility.
All I have is me.
So, you can have her.

Fluidity

So as I sit and reminisce over a beautiful Summer's past

My thoughts immediately turn to you

I miss your energy

Not too often you get a chance to fall in love with pure personality

Not too often you get to genuinely build with someone

I think about the moments that we've shared 

My thoughts are engulfed in memories of laughter and peace

I miss the vibes

How easy it was to be ourselves 

How easy it was to share

And I wonder, what's to come.

Sweet Soulmates.

I remember falling in love once.

It came easy.

It was beautiful

We shared much more than laughter and love.

We shared our minds and experiences.

Our happiness and our grievances.

I remember realizing that I wasn’t ready.

It was hard to admit. 

It was hard to accept.

We talked about marriage so easily.

We wanted a family together so soon.

It was scary.

And I failed to share this conclusion.

I remember being irritated.

That he wasn’t exactly what I wanted at that moment.

I wanted to experience new things, 

And yet I still wanted to keep him close.

It was selfish.

We both became selfish.

We shut each other out.

We let others dictate the rules and regulations of our bond.

I remember getting hurt.

It was hard to deal with.

I was in denial.

I believed that although he was not made for me,

I was made for him.

It sucked.

Constant comparisons to girls who just didn’t measure up to my expectations for him drove me crazy.

I remember recognizing his role as my soulmate.

I wanted more for him.

I wanted more for us.

We wanted to have our cake and eat it too.

We were selfish.

We were crazy.

We were in love. 

Perhaps we still are.

But unresolved conflicts and feelings do not produce a progressive future.

We are caught in past memories.

We are stuck in the pain of the past.

But no amount of warning can keep us away when in the same vicinity.
So we steer clear, only crossing paths when bittersweet nostalgia is too much to bear.

I still remember our love, our fights, our kisses, our cries, our hugs.

It’s all I have left, so I remember it all. 

2Face

I have to stop.

I need to breath. 

There’s so many conflicting thoughts and emotions that at times I can hardly believe my eyes as I move from place to place. 

These spaces are so unfamiliar, they are too unfamiliar.

If I’m lucky this autumn nostalgia will calm my thoughts and ease the speed of my beating heart.

I know exactly how I wound up here, and I know exactly where it’ll end. 

This never ending cycle of cat and mouse is just not for me.

Im a cat pretending to be a mouse, a wolf pretending to be a sheep.

I need to stop.

I have to breath.

I am yearning for peace. I crave stability.

These people are so unfamiliar, too unfamiliar.

Principles of population tell me, that they’re stuck in a cycle of misery and happiness, believing that a one track mind will end in self improvement.

They don’t know what they want, and they don’t know what they're doing but yet they want me. 

If I’m lucky I can ignore it. I can fall so deeply in love with myself that the attention from others means nothing.

But I cannot do what has already been done. 

I’ve already stopped and taken my breaths. 

The days have become more clear as the leaves turn shades and begin to drop.

These places and these people are more transparent to me than they will ever know. 

I am lucky to have found my way by maintaining my peace and stability. 

I am lucky to have held onto my memories.

I was never pretending to be anything. 

There are two sides to me. Probably more.

Which side do you know? 

The World I Live In

I'm confused and the looks I get when I express how I imagine my life in years to come receives looks just as confused as I am. Single parent households are rising, my generation of millennials are deemed to either have babies too early or get married too early. So it seems that even if I do happen to run into the man of my dreams, his plans of getting married with children may not fit the picture I envision. We may not get married, we might not have children, we may not even stay together judging the statistics of divorce. With that being the case, it surprises me that it surprises others hear me say my goals are as big as they are because I have always assumed that I'd be a single mother.

How can I assume anything when ties to anyone are consistently viewed in temporary terms?Nothing lasts forever and with the sanctity of marriage being rooted in til' death do us part, I can't help but have a fear of commitment.

I can't commit to you. I can't take your last name. I refuse to give up my identity only to scramble to regain it in the long run. It cannot be me and you, but statistically speaking I'd rather wait for us to refer to my future children and I. Let's not get carried away. I work too hard on my own to lose it because of someone else's carelessness. Plans are nothing, but planning is everything.

Wale was Right.

Friend of mine,

Did you know that we are probably meant to be?
Probably fit more perfectly than we could ever imagine.
Somehow everyone sees it but us.
Everyone accepts us but us.

Why look any deeper into something already affirmed?
I'm not used to this.
I'm not used to viewing you like this.
Love is a mutual engagement..
So yes, I love you.
But not in a way that others assume.

Why make something so simple so difficult?
I don't ask for promises.
I don't believe in them.
I prefer that you stay close enough that this friendship never fades,
Far enough that this relationship never spills over our comfort zones.

No promises, just an agreement that support is much more needed than physical desires.
That this love is rooted in friendship.
And although its hidden in lust.
That platonic shit is just for T.V. shows anyways.