Complete

Just how deep can your love be,
If the gossip of naysayers
Would have you turn against me?

Question my loyalty
Because your mind
And your heart
It feeds upon toxicity.

Ups and downs.
Back and forth.
What kind of game is this?

I am me.
Whole all on my own.
Sorry but not sorry.
Only I can complete me. c

How

How long is too long
Too long to wait
Too long to chase
The same problem
From beforehand

Hit my line
And tell me lies
Just like I knew you would

Chastise my anger
But your apologies
They never suffice

How much is too much
Too much to handle
And yet still
Not enough to quit.

Give me simple gestures
Simple pleasures
And expect that I
Curb to your needs

Just like a leech
You feed upon me
Upon this aching need, I have
To have patience.

Grimey

Pull and tug my heart's strings
Until the tension causes it to collapse.
This love was never mine to hold.
Only a distant thought.
A fascination with complacency.
A promise that it was sufficient
Until better arrived.

It should have grown me.
It should have molded me.
Inspired and strengthened.
But without actions
These benefits cannot exist.

Sitting idly by waiting was useless.
I witness the possibilities.
All endless.
When it comes to growth.
Cannot cast aside those experiences
Of fulfillment or reciprocation.
Of being chosen every day.

Wash my hands of the grime.
And promise to keep my nails clean.

Advice

If there is any advice that is ever given to you when having hard times in a relationship, it is to not compare your partner to your past. Understandably so, I just know that I get excited about life in the moment. I cringe at the mistakes and the setbacks of the past. My comparison is not because I wish things as they were; I compare because I am happy with where I am.

Cleansing

I threw away our notes 

I packed up my pictures 

Left my sweet nostalgia on my dresser 

Lit my sage 

Castaway my negative thoughts and energy 

Set my ego aside to become a better me 

Deep

Nothing stings more 

Than peeling back your layers

Allowing the world to be mesmerized 

At the surface view of you

Only to have your depth rejected.

Lose Lose

Tell me how I'm supposed to battle
With your perception.
What we think is what we become
And that goes for everything
Within our sight and touch

BLM

About two days ago as I traveled down the boulevard in an altered state of consciousness, mindful breaths to halt me from overthinking... my truck cut off on me right smack dab in the middle of driving. The concern was not and has not been about the technical issue with the car but the safety precautions to fix it if and when it decides that it will no longer start on its own. 

After several attempts to revive it... boom it revved up and I was on my way but not without a reminder of those watching even when you yourself are not looking. A police car I had spotted in my rear view quickly flashed its lights behind me and proceeded to pull up beside me at a red light. 

I'll admit I was scared but not from the police officer but from the simple fact that in the middle of driving my car had "died" on me. We both rolled down our windows almost simultaneously to which his face of concern met mine which was just trying to keep it together. At that moment so many things began to rush through my head; multiple thoughts about how that encounter could be thought to be more than what it really was and is.

I patiently live out the days of my life not waiting to be harassed by an officer but just living and hoping that day never comes. That my interactions with protectors in blue are with actual protectors in blue. Who stop to see if you're alright, to let you know your headlights aren't on in the middle of the night, that your gas tank is open, or even that they apologize for pulling you out a house in handcuffs due to a misunderstanding. I have no idea how they perceive me but I try to keep my own perceptions unbias and ultimately always remember what I could be perceived as. 

For some, it seems a task I should not have to follow, but those we encounter will not always have our best interest at heart.Though I am grateful that those I have interacted with have. 

"I affirm myself, so that I may affirm others."

#BlackLivesMatter

Mind-Full

I have come to see that the more I seek the more I fail to see that what I am looking for is right in front of me. Oddly enough I must look deep within myself for answers I presumed to lie elsewhere. My biggest dissatisfaction is erected from my own failure to acknowledge my intuition.

But it disturbs me that the harder I go searching the more the answers become disguised. It's as if they become entangled in what I would like them to be instead of what they actually are. What they are meant to be. It's the overthinking that's at the root of the issue that occurs.

I do not believe in coincidences. I know that there is a reason behind everything. Things do not just fall in place unless we are speaking in terms of astrology. I can not predict the forces of the universe. I can not sit idle, as if that which could and that which would, will and can.

Mindful of my energy, mindful of my body, the most important piece to completing these actions; uncovering what I wish to discover, is to be in tune with all that embodies me; the soul.

Because of You

Like in spite of you
I know how to love
Because of you
Hugs and kisses goodbye
Don't bring the same euphoria
As tears and cries

Like Me.

Someone like you
What’s someone like me
Who’s someone like me
Created in who’s image
And like no other

I cringe at statements
That chastise
By generalizing
The individuality
Of all that is me.

Sleepy Eyes

These sleepy eyes of mine
Can't put the thought of you aside
What could I possibly have done
To deserve love like this
What calculation led me to this end result
Because I'd like to do it again and again

Feels like yesterday
I was trying to escape my reality
But now I can't wait for my dreams
Can't wait to see what new seed there is to plant
See what weeds need weeding
So that roots can get watering

As long as it leads back to you
I'll cherish the journey

These sleepy eyes of mine
Can't put the thought of you aside
Not for one second
When me is us
And us is you
Almost like reciprocals
Noticeably inversed
But undoubtedly the same

I'll cherish the journey
As long I see you smiling
In reality
As I find my way