Flight

Someone once told me, “If I feel like someone is on the fence about being in my life I’ll show them the door before they choose to walk out.”

The problem with this sort of thinking and decision making process is that some people come to you to remind you that you’re worth staying for... 

that type of behavior just shows them you aren’t. 

Whether that’s an asset or liability... depends on you. 

Green.

Gotta have a title,
To act like
You're mine.

How shallow
Could your love be?

In a moment's notice,
Inconsiderate of
What's being built.

SOE

"Today's education systems do more to prepare children for the past versus the ever changing future."

People are quite resistant to change it seems. 

Perhaps that's how they've always been. 

Resistant to new information, new findings, new technology. 

Which would explain the state of our education system and this country.

Meeting parents who truly believe that schools should still operate with the same norms and culture of the past. 

How they can honestly believe that the oppressive structures they had to battle in the past did not have an effect on the way in which they were able to receive knowledge isn't surprising.

 When an oppressor controls the way you think, they can control your actions.

 Even if its decades later. 

You.

My heart 

It has room

For two

But not when 

They’re anything 

Like you. 

Strength

I waited

For you

To cut me loose

Just so 

I could turn around 

Pretend like 

I don’t have a heart

So you’d think

I was strong

So you’d know 

Ill be better

With or without you

Such a contradiction

When your heart

Is broken

And heavy

With scars and struggles

Though all overcome

Strength was not

Holding onto pain

Holding onto a person

Strength was letting go

Letting it be

You can cut me loose

And come back 

With your glue

And tape

In the form of 

Broken promises 

And empty words

Because I thought strength 

Was letting you in

Allowing you to continue 

Your trial and error

Your Minimal effort

To piece us back together

Only for it to fall apart

But that’s not strength

Strength is accepting

That those pieces 

Just don’t belong together 

Letting go of

What coulda, shoulda, woulda

And accept what it is 

I wish.

And I wish I was sorry
That I don't know
How to stay away
But these interactions.
They're trying to figure out
Why we continue to cross
This line.

Perhaps its because
we refuse to allow others
To draw our boundaries.
How could something
Feel so right
If its wrong.

The uncertainty of
Something new
Something unbroken
Something strong
And although inconsistent
It doesn't quite shake
My insecurities like others did.

I wish I could take back
The mistakes we've made.
Cover our tracks.
Stop giving others peeks
At our reality,
Our world.
They're trying to figure out
Why we don't
Meet their expectations.

Perhaps its because
We know what's happening
To us, between us.
Why say whats already
Understand
Byyou and I .

This uncertainty of
Something unbroken
Something strong
And although inconsistent
Your reassurance heals
Like nostalgia from the past.

Because these interactions,
They bring out a side of me
I've been wishing
To find again.

Lately

Not sure if I can find the words to describe what's been transpiring over these last few weeks. One thing for sure is that if I can't find the words then that means I need to do more reading. They're somewhere. The words. They're somewhere in a book, an article, even possibly a Facebook post. Searching for truth has been feeling more like a chore than some organic relationship I have with the universe.

Allowed myself to feel a little less and a little more lately in certain circumstances. Accept things for what they are and try to devise the best solutions to make things better instead of dwelling on past mistakes and punishing myself for being a flawed individual.

The search or rather the journey for truth begins and ends with the individual. I keep that in mind while I purge certain energies. I keep that in mind when it is my energy being purged from another. I just keep in mind, people will never remember what we said but they will always remember how we made them feel (how our words affected them because no one can MAKE us feel, we allow ourselves to.)

Art Critic

When people begin to paint pretty pictures with lies I just sit back and smile. Of course, reality is all about perspective; about perception. Of course what I may think I am witnessing may be in all actuality a fantasy. But how could that be possible? And to even begin to hypothesize such a circumstance would require me to dismiss my track record. Somehow, someway I would have to doubt my decision making, become wary of my reasoning, and ultimately remove myself from my logical side. That, will not happen. So, I can not partake in fancies or fall in love with compliments. Won't settle for efforts which are consistent within a time limit. You can miss me with that. My eyes work very well to see the details of any "masterpiece." And so I see through him. Probably clearer than he will ever know.

Wait

When I let my thoughts flow

They get in the way

When I try to conceal them

They get in the way

I don’t know 

How much more

I can take

I don’t know 

How much longer 

I can wait

Non-Mono

I don’t think I’m supposed to have these thoughts about you.

I don’t think I’m supposed to feel these ways about you.

Homie, Lover, Friend

Trying to pretend like this math isn’t simple

1 + 1 

Me +  You

Means we can do 

Whatever we wanna do

I don’t think I’m supposed to reveal these thoughts

But I’m too out of my ways 

To make it seem as if

I want this beautiful synergy

To fade away.

Time

Take it slow
We don’t know
How far
This could go.

The present
Is a present
That I unwrap
As carefully
As I can.

Language

Bury you in letters
Or light kisses?
If only body language
Was written.

Look

Look at me

That’s what he said 

To me
So smooth of an interaction

I couldn’t bare

Because how could

All of me 

Submit like that

Give into this 

And take the risk 

Of showing my true colors

So I had to utter

I told you

You needed to stay away from me

He needs to know 

This euphoria gets addictive 

It’s a feeling

One could only dream about

Tread wisely when you dive in

Because Eyes are like a gateway 

To the soul

Look at me

That’s what he said 

To me

Almost certain 

This exchange was well worthy

Of the wait.

Not a second thought

To channel energies

Into one

At a moments notice 

Because at first glance

The connection is inescapable.

Overthunk

I got these feelings 

I think I need to prove

I have these plans

But I don't think you have a clue.

1/6/16

Aligning

We didn't break
We took a break
To figure out
Where we really
Wanted to be.

I feel no shame
About it
Slight pain
About it

All because
I remember
What I had to do
To grow

What I had to do
To show
That my thoughts
And Feelings

Could align
With yours.

Only Regret

I started to envy you
But then
I remembered
Who I am,
Who I have always been
And that is authentically me.

Of Nature

After it is all said and done, what will be the outcome? Will we sail away or begin to sail apart? It is odd to imagine that someone could feel the same way about them as I do. But then it dawns on me, how could that be possible? The time and attention are not the same. Only the universe knows if the love languages math up. There's so much love that could be given I sometimes wonder why it is a crime to share. Is it really human nature to be territorial or are we conditioned to be this way, some more than others?

Angst

Its stopped making sense.
Can find myself holding my breath.
More often the norm.
There's this overarching need.
To have control.
To stop all attempts at relinquishing it.
Because somehow I feel I need it.
Flowing with the natural order
Just produces a pain
That isn't easy to ease.

SIYL

I think that people underestimate the idea of do not seek out what you really don’t wish to know; or perhaps it’s what you don’t need to know. What satisfaction does one gain by tuning into visuals and sounds that offer no benefit?

What does a picture say? It doesn’t say anything; but interpretations are endless. It’s almost maddening to study them. Just stay away. It’s not possible to understand from the outside looking in. How could one possibly capture the essence of a perception that doesn’t belong to them?

There’s no way to weasel in. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that there’s no way to crack the code. Understand that some things are just realities one does not need to know. 

Moral Monsters

It's amazing how perception creates reality. Sometimes I wonder if people are actually delusional or if they just aren't in touch with my reality. And by my reality, I mean their understanding of who I am. Meaning this brings into question whether that person is empathetic or apathetic.

Possessing empathy generally makes a person emotionally intelligent. The opposite of that is to be a moral monster.The first time I came across this concept of a "moral monster" it was while reading James Baldwin. Context is important. Baldwin uses the idea of a moral monster as a manifestation of institutional racism at the individual level. Taking a step back, because its often I go off on a tangent, I'm beginning to think people do not see me for me. People outside of my reality; my perception have a completely different idea of who am I versus who I assert myself as.

It's odd. I can tell you who I am until I turn blue or purple, and yet the interpretation of it could be so drastically different. I preach to my babies; people only know what you tell them. They will never know you better than you know yourself. The only person there to bear witness to your pain and joy is you.

Doing battle with these moral monsters in these circumstances is not the same sense as critiquing an institutionally oppressive system. This apathy for the essence of another human being you claim to be interested in is confusing. Being in the presence of those who exhibit this behavior gives me the anxiety that the bubonic plague would.

Has the tone of the system created moral monsters in all spheres of life? Are we destined to wrestle our most intimate moments away from individuals who never really recognize and acknowledge our identity? Releasing stories, lessons, heartbreaks, and moments of happiness is so therapeutic when in the presence of receiving energy.

Moral monsters, they receive this energy; but they never reciprocate it. They feed on it. And if they're smart they disguise all this. They themselves begin to believe that they actually do care about the most vulnerable details but in all actuality are only chasing the vessel which holds these dreams, memories, and secrets.

Distort

I don't think its hard to write
As if no one will ever read it.
Its better that way.
The rawness of transparency.
Behave as if no one is watching
Knowing full well that somebody is.
I think its amusing.
Entertaining how you can paint any image you see fit;
Destroy a reality if you choose
With only words and images.

Grey

Remember coming to that fork in the road

Wondering the best route to take

Flashbacks to video games

Your anxiety tells you 

There’s only a wrong or right

It’s only black and white

No gray areas

How much power would you need

To bypass through 

Maybe go half instead of whole

Take a shortcut around

Avoid the aftermath of your decisions