Rant #1

Am I really all that much to handle? No really, I am? Navigating this society, American society, probably any society is awfully exhausting for a Black woman. Especially for one always seeking to raise their consciousness and awareness of others.

Objectively

They’ll attempt

To whip you with their words

Stay solid, stay strong, steer clear 

Permit the oafs 

Their daily struggle

Of articulating impetuous emotions

They demand validated

Their fists will bare

When your statements cut like knives

Too impotent to comprehend 

A calculated response 

Disgrunt

I continue to come to the realization that I was raised differently. That I've turned out very peculiar compared to others, even among those of the same demographics. I was raised to be impressed by books, to be frank. Impressed by knowledge and wealth; not riches and fancy words if you're picking up what I'm putting down. Resilience, humbleness, confidence, observance all very much stressed to me as a child. Words followed by actions and then possibly more words depending on the actions; a cycle nonetheless. It's okay to admit that life doesn't turn out well for everyone. What makes it even better, is admitting that people's lives are what they are because of their own lack of awareness. It's not really a positive or negative aspect. It is just the truth. Sincerely wished that more people weren't so in desperate need of instant gratification and the choice to be ignorant and complacent with that. It's a tad disgusting when I meet these individuals. You take a good look and you wonder how they don't see why they're life progresses and transgresses so often and in such ugly ways. But to be short, if you're looking for someone to blame; blame your mammy and pappy. Whoever they may be.

Choice?

I sincerely believe that falling in love is a choice. Considering that many equate love with being a drug; basically saying that love can become addictive. How is a chemical reaction induced by certain actions not a choice? Love as a drug creates an idea that we have no control over our addiction, evident in erratic decisions and behaviors; and yet still there are ways to reduce risk factors. Everyone develops differently, love is in all relationships; platonic and romantic. Does it matter if one partakes in possibly addicting intangible indulgences at a certain age or in a certain setting? I'm curious to see how that case study will turn out. Love can feel like a drug, in all actuality it should; but at the foundation there is choice. What stops you from choosing someone? Yourself in the end. It's a choice to see them, talk to them, and engage with them. It is your choice to put up with their bullshit, their insecurities, and their worries. To say otherwise would absolve us all of responsibility for actions we alone; individually commit.

Gratify Yourself

Its plausible that this era of time is overburdened with individuals seeking instant gratification. The comprehension of life as a process is sparse. Not to mention, discipline is low, effort and consistency seemingly nonexistent in virtually all generations. The family structure, to be frank, sucks.

It is already enough to be who "someone" this society without the problematic energies of others rustling up controversy in the most aggravating ways. Creating obstacles in the journey of Me to I. It seems the effect of this is over time, people expect everything for doing nothing. When the world says what do you have to offer, they state themselves. But how can you offer yourself, when you've spent no time with yourself? How can you pretend that you are almighty for looks, when beneath the shallow surface you have nothing to show for yourself? Even if these victories are small or personal, where are they? When it's time to discuss, not to brag but to celebrate, there still continues to be an awkward silence that daunts me.

Its harmful to be around. For your own sake. This energy that's given off. Let's take for the instance, you hear all these claims that public school education does not give children the skills they need to thrive in society. Lets say for instance that this is true, that the curriculum are not helpful. Then what is the suggested replacement. They claim, for example, "We don't need Algebra or Geometry, we need personal finance, investing, budgeting, taxes, etc." To which my reply is, "Perhaps if you knew the basic skills needed to exhibit proficiency in personal finance, investing, budgeting, taxes, etc, then you would ask for those specific skills to be taught."

What I wish was more understood is that ideas are abstract. They have no plan, no strategy; they don't have to make sense. Through planning, ideas becomes concepts, goals, and expectations. We take something intangible and make it seen tangibly. Ideas mean nothing without strategy and execution.

People want skills to complete processes but lack the initiative to build the foundation to be proficient at the skills they request taught to them. They scoff at basic algebra and write it off as useless, but can't perform it. Life is not pencil and paper; its verbal word problems. Attaining a high score on a standardized test does not make you an expert at that subject, it just simply means for that moment in time you were proficient. If not practiced, skills will decline.

Really, how hard are you working if you can't see your growth? How hard are you working if when your growth is highlighted, you brush off the acknowledgment and reply that "It's a false claim" all with the idea that average is enough. People have not accepted that mental challenges should not be met with complacency. We are meant to excel much farther than the limits we set for ourselves and those others set for us.

I just want to break barriers. I wish more individuals sought to break barriers.

AntiRacist

Bell Hooks speaks of teachers, professors; who educate to liberate not dominate. Many can’t understand this because they aren’t students of history. The ability to make connections, identify and understand causes and effects is a powerful tool.

Undergrad was an experience. Encountering microaggressions and having to accept that my inquiry skills were still developing allowed me to see my professors for who they are. Having had Black teachers for the majority of my K-12 education, I'd left my alma mater with a veil.

The day I had to accept that nothing in history is inevitable was crushing. To have a white male professor explain to me that the chains lifted off my ancestors was not an inevitable event, was a hard pill to swallow. But his body language and side eye reassured me and allowed me to understand that this connection is necessary for true anti racist education.

Nothing is inevitable. Work always has to be done in order for change to come and progress to prosper.

Tempt

I get angry with you.
Because you give into temptations,
I fight everyday.

How is that fair?
Playing the morals card
Ending up with the short end of the stick.

How is it,
That choices lead us here

I'm always the bad apple
You're always the bystander
Sitting idle.
Unaware of your surrounding.

I get angry with myself
Because I resist temptations
You give into everyday.

Every test, failed.
Playing games of nonchalance
Pulling out emotions at the very end.

Ridiculous

I think it’s ridiculous that they slay our leaders then question our weakest links about our lack of guidance

I think it’s ridiculous to see the deaths and terrorism become photo ops for those who claim to be at our service 

And at what price?

For clout, an ego boost.

I think it’s ridiculous. Those who truly care never take credit and rarely get credit. Until they’re gone. 

As if you’re only legendary when you’re dead.

Ridiculous. 

Search.

Find who you are
See, tomorrow is not present.
And yesterday is gone.

Know who you are
Before someone tells you
Who to be and how to be
A version of yourself
With benefits you do not reap.

Be who you are
Out loud and proud
See, the present is here
And today is the day.

Spoiled.

You spoiled me.
I don't think I can wait this time.
I couldn't wait the last time.

Timing is so important.
And in that moment, it was impeccable.
Take me back.
To coffee in the morning; and summertime charades.

You spoiled me.
With soulmate activities.
And unconditional love; just to have it snatched away.

Timing is so crucial.
And I don't want any more limits.
Take me back.
To soulmate tendencies.
Carefully crafted scenarios
To watch how we came on the scene.

Tell.

Tell me
What I have to do
To get closer
To you

Tell me
That in due time
You'll be mine

Tell me
This isn't in vain
I could not bear the pain

Tell me
You love me.
Please.