Rant #3

 I keep thinking that maybe it's just me; I don't see people for who they are. But, that's not the case. I see I learn, and I seek to understand. Hopeful wishing that that same courtesy is extended to me. Of course, minimal effort leads to a lack of success. Meditations always lead me to accept that I need something to believe in. I have something to believe in. But where's the someone, the people. 

Rant #2

Scary movies and haunted houses just don't the same when you've been conditioned not to show fear. Ask a Black parent what lengths would they go to save her children. Then look at a history and the proof is there. What would you do to prepare your children for a world you may never live to see? A legacy makes a difference. And that's on white supremacy. 

Lilith

Without a doubt, I desire love, not toleration. 

No "pick me" here.

Just solid. Affirming. Balanced.

Or at least trying to be.

Subjective

What we do isn't wrong.
It's how we do it.
Right and wrong
Its subjective
So let me tell you
That means
It's based on feelings

That Feel

This feeling that I’m feeling 
This emptiness
It always creeps up on me 
But never when I least expect it 
Because I always know its on its way
I just don’t know when. 

Reciprocity is such a beautiful concept. 
Ironically we know what we deserve 
Yet somehow end up accepting less
More than once. 

The same cycle, same red flags, and same triggers. 
Not much is ever really different. 
And neither is that feeling. 
That emptiness that preys on loneliness. 

But loneliness and being alone aren’t the same.

This emptiness only comes 
When the interactions with others 
Sucks us dry 
While demanding more of us. 
Trying to pull us out of comfort
Into a submission that just isn’t possible. 

We can give all we have and never receive. 

And we can be okay with that. 
But eventually going without 
Will take its toll
And that feeling it will creep back again

Trauma

When everything and everybody around you has some sort of PTSD, self-awareness and self-reflection feels like a dream. It's almost as if you have to understand the trauma of others before you can even begin to relinquish your own PTSD. It's not because of, or in spite of, but everything is connected. The trauma of my parents is inherited by me and even if not it still weighs on them. It plays an integral role in the way we operate. The only way to get some peace is to uncover the drama. Realize what the story so you can understand the journey.